Porcelain Heart
by PrincessFlame91
Summary: ♫Yuki ran to the kitchen, where he had heard the voice come from, and froze at the sight that would forever be burned into his mind. Shuichi was laying collapsed in a pool of his own blood.♪ Don't shun me again. I can't take it anymore. [NCS cutting]
1. Prelude: o3 29, o7

Hey minna-san!!! This is my first Gravitation fic, so please give me feedback on how I'm doing on this! Not that I wouldn't want feedback even if this was my 50th Gravitation fic. Sorry that this entry is soo short, but it's my prologue and all, so yeah. The rest of the chapters will be longer. The song that I'll be using throughout most of this fic will be "Porcelain Heart" by _BarlowGirl_. It is such a pretty song. My story will end there, though I may follow-up with a sequel if I get enough feedback at the time. Til then... Enjoy!!!

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"Get out, you damn brat! And this time, damn it, stay the _fuck_ out!" Yuki shouted at Shuichi, cold golden eyes flashing in anger. "Stop bothering me! I don't _care_ how your day went. I'm trying to get my work done. I have a deadline to meet this Thursday! Why would I want to waste my time listening to you?" Yuki's eyes then gained a malicious gleam. "Do you really think that all that shit matters to me? I just keep you around so that I can have a fuck whenever I want to. Why else do you think I keep you around?"

Shuichi stared at Yuki, oddly at a loss for words. He couldn't figure out what he had done for Yuki to become that angry with him.

Shuichi reached towards Yuki, for once, silent. Yuki glanced down his nose at Shuichi's hand and snorted. He turned away from Shuichi and stalked off to their, no, his bedroom. Shuichi remained where he was standing, frozen.

After a few minutes, Yuki returned from the bedroom with a duffel bag that was already half full with Shuichi's things that were in the bedroom. He walked throughout the apartment, dumping everything that he could find of Shuichi's into the bag.

Finally, he threw what he believed was the last thing in and turned to face Shuichi, ignoring the broken look that he could clearly see in Shuichi's eyes. Yuki stalked over to Shuichi, grabbed his arm roughly, and yanked him to the door. He vaguely noticed that it was storming outside, but ignored it.

"Now get out," Yuki hissed, "and don't come back this time. I don't ever want to see your face again! Got it?" And without waiting for a reply, Yuki yanked the door open and forcibly threw both Shuichi and his bag out the door and slammed it shut behind him.

Shuichi stared blankly at the door, half-expecting Yuki to open it again, tell his that it was all a joke, help him up, and lead him back into the warm apartment. However, after 10 minutes of waiting, Shuichi realized that Yuki meant it this time. He really didn't want Shuichi to be with him anymore. He wanted Shuichi to be gone, instead.

Shuichi felt grief rising up from his core, but realized that he had no tears left to shed. Instead, he was oddly numb.

Shuichi forced himself to get up and walked away, the rain instantly soaking him thoroughly and chilling him to the bone. He never noticed Yuki watching him from the window with cold eyes.

_--Broken heart one more time._

_Pick yourself up. Why even cry?--_

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Heyy Minna-san! I'm back! I really hope that you liked this fic! Please leave me reviews, whether it's of comment or critique. I'll only post the next chapter once I get 5 reviews, so yeah. Review please! Thank you!

Signed,

PrincessFlame91_  
_


	2. Track o1: o3 3o, o7

Heyy Minna-san. I'm back! Tank you soo much for all of your reviews! I didn't expect so many at all! All 5 in less than a day, too! Wow... Well, this time, let's up the stakes, eh? I'll post the next chapter after I get 10 reviews for this one! Hopefully, I'll get that many...

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Shuichi wandered down the deserted streets blindly, his mind completely blank. He didn't even feel the chill of the rain or the strong gusts of wind anymore. As well as that, Shuichi failed to notice the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as a sense of foreboding filled the air. 

Suddenly, he felt someone roughly yank him into a dark alley. He looked up and noticed that around 10 men surrounded him on all sides, and that some them were looking him over with predatory glints in their eyes.

Shuichi was mildly surprised as he realized that he didn't care what they did to him. If anything, he hoped that they would just finish him off so that he wouldn't have to suffer under the pain of losing Yuki's love anymore. There was nothing left for him to live for if Yuki didn't want him. Shuichi's heart had grown to be too attached to Yuki, and now the only way to separate his heart from Yuki would be to shatter both the heart and its host, preventing any more breaths to pass through soft lips any longer

Shuichi stumbled down the street, his legs threatening to give out as blood dripped down them. Fuzzy memories of the gang members pounding into him, one right after another, as well as the malicious expressions on their faces flashed at a dizzying speed through his mind.

He couldn't go to Hiro's because he didn't want Hiro to see him in the current state that he was in. Even if he was okay with running into Hiro's arms like a child, he couldn't, since Hiro was visiting Ayaka in Kyoto and wouldn't even be there.

Shuichi couldn't go to his parent's house, either. He was definitely not in a state that he would want them to see him in. But then… Shuichi had not place to go, since he definitely couldn't go back to Yuki's apartment.

_--Broken pieces in your hand_

_You wonder how you'll make it home.--_

Shuichi forced himself to get to the park. He managed to stumble to the bench that he had been sitting on when the wind blew his lyrics to Yuki on that fateful day when his whole life changed. Until now, Shuichi had been certain that the change was for the better, but now he wasn't quite sure. However, that bench would mark the beginning and the end.

Shuichi curled up on the bench, trying to ease the pain he felt both mentally, from memories of the good and bad times he had shared with Yuki alongside memories of both of his rapes, as well as physically, from the freezing weather and the biting wind that was ripping through the tank top and shorts that he wore.

Cold seeped into Shuichi's bones, causing violent shivers to wrack through his frame. _'Why does Yuki have to be so mean to me?'_ Shuichi thought. _'All I ever do is love him, and I even stopped asking him if he loved me because I could tell that it made him uncomfortable. I've even been trying to stay quiet while he's working. What did I do that was so wrong that he had to end everything?'_

"Damn it!" Shuichi suddenly hissed, steam clouding the air in front of his face. "Doesn't he realize how much he's hurting me? Does he even care? Sometimes I find myself with a blade dragging across myself because of all of the emotions that were pent up inside of me! I'm _killing_ myself by loving him!" Shuichi never noticed the tears flowing down his face, nor did he notice when they froze into icy trails leading down his cold cheeks, which where already frozen by the chilling wind.

_--You know you pray this can't be the way._

_You cry. You say something's gotta change_

_And mend this porcelain heart of mine._

_Of mine.--_

Shuichi's eyes suddenly widened as he realized that he hadn't washed the towel that he had accidentally gotten blood on that day as he had intended to, since Yuki had literally thrown him out before that. Instead, it was wadded up buried deep in the laundry hamper that was in the bathroom.

Then, just as quickly as his eyes had widened, they returned back to their normal size and a bitter laugh passed through his lips. _'It's not like Yuki will feel bad or anything. Maybe it'll make him happier, though. He always did seem to be at his happiest while he was hurting me. Well, as long as Yuki's happy, then it doesn't matter what happens to me.'_ Shuichi thought as he curled up tighter on the bench, eyes sliding closed as sleep began to claim his mind. _'Even if I die.'_

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Well, there it is! I hope you all liked this chapter as much as the prologue. The chapters after this might be a bit slower in coming out, because I don't have them typed up yet... Sorry! I hope you continue reading anyways! 

Anyways, please drop me a review and let me know what you think of this. I accept critique, as long as you say it in a helpful way. I know some people may find some parts annoying, and I want to know what I did wrong so that I can fix it. Thanks!

Signed,

PrincessFlame91_  
_


	3. Track o2: o4 19, o7

Hey minna-san! I'm back! I hope you like this chapter... I think this fic is going to be around 10 chapters when I'm done writing everything, going by the pace that it going at... I have the plot line in my head, and have written for around half of the song so far on paper... Eww... So many pages to type out... groans Anyways... Review when your done reading, please. It is my only motivation, you know...

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Yuki shivered as a chill ran down his spine. He did his best to ignore it and continue working on his manuscript. However, the image of Shuichi looking so utterly broken was the only thing that his mind supplied him with. 

Finally, unable to stand the now unnatural silence that permeated throughout his apartment, Yuki turned on the radio. However, every station that he turned to was either playing song that was sung by Shuichi, or a song that reminded him of Shuichi. Finally, unable to stand the torture anymore, Yuki turned to the news station.

"Well folks," the newscaster was saying, "I hope that you didn't have anything important planned for tonight. An unexpected snowstorm is closing in on us, so all public transport must be closed."

Yuki vaguely remembered Shuichi mentioning that his friend and band mate, Hiro, was out of town since he was visiting Ayaka. He also recalled that Shuichi's family's house was far enough, that Shuichi would need to ride the train to get there.

"And folks," the newscaster quipped again, "I'd suggest gathering everyone, even the family pet, inside for this storm. The temperature is expected to plunge well into the negatives. Well, that's all for now, folks! Make sure to use extra blankets and cuddle up with your loved one tonight when you go to bed! Good night!"

Yuki felt worry seep into every pose in his body as he contemplated whether or not Shuichi had made it back to his parent's house safely. Before he even realized what he was doing, Yuki had already picked up the phone and dialed Shuichi's number.

"Hello?" He heard a girl answer. Yuki paused to see if he could hear Shuichi in the background. However, he couldn't hear any of the usual chaos and havoc that Shuichi usually caused. Finally, Yuki had no choice but to reply back.

"Is Shuichi there?" He asked, careful to change his voice slightly from the way that it usually sounded. If Shuichi was there, he didn't want him to know that he was actually concerned over him. That would only boost up his confidence and up his level of annoyance.

"No." The girl, who Yuki assumed was Shuichi's sister, replied. "Why? Who is this?" Yuki placed the phone back onto the receiver, having received his answer. Just to be safe, he called Nakano's place, but only got the answering machine.

Yuki sat back in his chair, now undeniably worried, since Shuichi might still be outside, where Yuki could see through the window, the ground was already coated in a thin layer of snow.

Yuki felt a sense of foreboding sink into his bones, and had a feeling that if he did not find Shuichi soon, something bad was sure to happen. He had been ignoring the feeling since he forced Shuichi out the door, but now it was so strong, that Yuki could hardly sit still.

Suddenly, Yuki remembered that when he threw Shuichi out, he had only been wearing a thin tank top and shorts. He could also see through the door of his office that he had left Shuichi's coat hanging by the door when he had stuffed all of his possessions into a bag.

Yuki quickly shot out of his office, yanked his coat on, and shoved his feet into his shoes. He then shot out of his apartment and into the night. He to whatever deity would still listen to him that he wasn't too late. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he killed Shuichi, too.

Yuki paused once he exited the apartment complex. _'Where would Shuichi be?_' He thought. _'Would he be at the studio? No,'_ Yuki shook his head and chuckled, _'I doubt that he'd ever work longer than he had to. But then, where would he be?'_

Suddenly, the memory of the first time that Yuki and Shuichi had met flashed through Yuki's mind. He could clearly remember their encounter in the park that day. A wind blew Shuichi's lyrics at Yuki, and after looking at the poor writing skills, Yuki had had no choice to insult them. Somehow, there began Shuichi's obsession over him.

Yuki raced to the park, hoping that he was not in his guess of where Shuichi was. He refused to admit to himself that in this cold, he had probably killed another that he loved, except that this time, it would be completely his own fault; Shuichi had actually done nothing wrong. Yuki had just been pissed off because his editor had been getting on his case about his upcoming deadline, which was originally two weeks ago, before he got an extension. Yuki swore as he remembered that all that Shuichi had been doing was lying quietly on the couch, trying to break through a fever. Shit!

Yuki finally reached the park and realized that he couldn't see anything. Everything was already covered in a thick blanket of snow. He looked around frantically, trying to find anything that looked to be out of the ordinary. His eyes finally settled on a bench near the middle of the park. The mound of snow was a bit bigger that those of the benches surrounding it, and Yuki could see a duffle bag lying half-buried in the snow. However, Yuki found himself praying that the mound was _not_ Shuichi as he noticed how still it was.

Yuki ran over to the mound as fast as his legs would carry him, and began to frantically clear the snow away. He felt his heart skip a beat when a flash of dark pink appeared.

Yuki anxiously moved the rest of the snow off of Shuichi slight frame, unnerved by how blue his lips had become, as well as the pink-tinged snow that he saw surrounded Shuichi's thighs.

Yuki quickly scooped Shuichi into his arms and tucked him into his coat, not caring the Shuichi was making him wet and cold. Yuki's main priority at the moment was to get Shuichi's body temperature to warm up.

Once he reached the apartment, Yuki immediately went to the bathroom, not even pausing to remove his shoes that were trekking slushy footprints across his once meticulously clean hardwood floor. Yuki filled his tub with hot water and settled himself into it with Shuichi still in his arms. He worked Shuichi's clothes off of his body so that the water could warm him directly to his skin.

Yuki sighed in relief as he saw that Shuichi's lips weren't quite as blue anymore. However, there was still a long way to go before Shuichi would return to his normal state. Until then, all that Yuki could do was wait.

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Yup. There it is, minna-san! I hope you liked it! Always let me know if the quality or something goes down on it, ok? I tend to get worse and worse along the line of time it takes me to write a fic... But then... My writing has improved lots. I looked back at my older fics, and I was like 'this totally sucks ass... What crap...' Yeah...

Well, let me know how it is!!! 25 reviews (in total) to continue!!! Leave me reviews, please!!! Thank you!!!

Signed,

PrincessFlame91


	4. Track o3: o4 28, o7

Heyy minna-kun! I'm back! Thank you all for the feedback! I can't believe I actually have so many readers that are willing to review this. Thank you!!! Well, I hope I make your efforts worthwhile in this chapter! Enjoy! Oh, and I just realized that I've been forgetting to do something for this whole fic... The disclaimer! gasps LoL!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gravitation. If I did, I would have added sex scenes in there that were very graphic, if you know what I mean... Oh, and without mosaics, too...

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Shuichi blinked blearily as he woke up. Everything around him was bright and fuzzy. He also realized that he was oddly warm, for having fallen asleep on the park bench.

"Am I dead?" Shuichi muttered quietly. "Is this supposed to be heaven or something? Well, at least it's warm here. Wait! I don't want to be dead! But then, if I'm dead, then Yuki must be happy. Now he can concentrate on his work and sleep around with whomever he wants to openly now. I should have done this a long time ago. Maybe he's finally smiling. I don't care what happens to me, as long as he's smiling. God, please let him be smiling…"

Shuichi jerked suddenly and tensed as he felt arms tighten around him. He tried to twist around to see whom it was that was holding him, but the arms that were wrapped around him were restricting him.

Suddenly, images of his experience in the alley earlier that day raced through Shuichi's mind at dizzying speeds. Shuichi panicked when he realized that he was nude in the water, without even his boxers on. He began to struggle against whoever it was holding him, try to get away.

"Please," Shuichi pleaded, voice desperate, "leave me alone. I can't take anymore! I'm so tired. I can't take any more pain today. Please don't hurt me. Please…" Shuichi could feel his body weakening quickly and just let go and stopped struggling. It was useless for him to struggle. He was too weak to win, and he knew it. He supposed that the only thing that he could do was let what happened happen. Maybe that was just all that he was good for in life.

"Shu!" Shuichi suddenly heard through the fog in his mind. He could hear anger in the voice, which he could recognize as Yuki's. Shuichi immediately tried to curl himself into himself, in order to protect himself against any incoming blows. However, he only felt himself being drawn in closer to Yuki and a head settle in the juncture between his neck and shoulder. He glanced down and saw Yuki's soft golden tresses ghosting across his skin.

"I'm so sorry." Yuki mumbled softly into Shuichi's neck, voice filled with remorse. "I never meant to hurt you. I was just annoyed and my book, and I guess I took for granted that you would take whatever treatment I gave you like you usually do. I'm sorry."

Shuichi relaxed into Yuki's body, trusting him with all of his heart, mind, and soul. Just the fact that Yuki had revealed emotion in his voice, let alone the tears that Shuichi could feel dripping onto and down his shoulder, was enough to convince Shuichi that Yuki was being truthful and could be trusted.

Suddenly, Shuichi felt Yuki stiffen behind him. He turned his head slightly to look at Yuki. Yuki's gaze seemed to be frozen on something in the water, eyes wide with shock.

Shuichi winced as he realized that all of his cuts, whether they were fresh, healing, and scarred, were bared and out in the open. Usually, he was able to beneath his shirts, socks, shorts, and arm warmers. However, Yuki had stripped all of that off of him.

Yuki was frozen, his eyes transfixed on the scars that laced across Shuichi's once flawless skin. Had he been the cause of this? Did he drive Shuichi through so much pain, that he reverted to cutting himself? How could he not have noticed? Was he truly so heartless?

But then, thinking back, Yuki realized that the only time he ever spent with Shuichi was either when yelling at him, or at night, and that was only when he was fucking Shuichi. Yuki also realized that that was all that it ever was and all that he used Shuichi for anymore. He never even went out of his way to give Shuichi pleasure anymore. Yuki winced suddenly, as he realized that the sight of blood dripping down Shuichi's legs after sex was now the norm. Hell, he never even let Shuichi stay after sex to cuddle anymore. He always kicked Shuichi off of his bed right after he caught his breath. Damn, but he was such a bastard to Shuichi. Why did Shuichi even put up with it?

Yuki was brought out of his thoughts when he felt Shuichi curling up into a ball and trembling violently against him. Yuki saw that silent tears of anguish were streaming down Shuichi's cheeks, which Yuki recalled was also normal for the nights that he let Shuichi into his room.

"I'm sorry!" Shuichi managed to choke out between choking breaths. "I won't do it again! I swear! Please don't hit me again! I promise that I'll do my best not to make you angry! Just please don't hurt me…" By then, Shuichi had run out of energy and his voice died out, his sniffles the only sound remaining.

Yuki was confused over Shuichi's plea. He had never hit Shuichi, aside from thumping him on the head when he got to be a bit too overbearing. However, that alone did not warrent the reaction that Shuichi was giving. But then, why was he acting like this?

"Shuichi," Yuki started, "when have I ever hit you? Why are you so scared of me?" Yuki found something deep inside of him dreading what Shuichi's answer would be. He soon realized that that part of him was right in doing so as Shuichi's response slowly sunk in and registered in his mind.

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Well, minna-kun, there it is! I hope you liked it! Please leave some reviews!!! Remember, critique is always welcome! So don't hold back! I'm trying to improve my writing as much as I can!!! Thank you!!!

Signed,

PrincessFlame91


	5. Track o4: o6 27, o7

Sorry, everyone. This isn't a new chapter, but I just had to fix up on an error that Linker27 pointed out. If you want to know what it is, just read the review. I'm too lazy to explain... :P

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Heyy minna-san! I'm finally back! Sorry that I took so long to get this one in, but I just didn't feel like typing it out... ;P LoL. I'm so lazy. Well, I hope that you enjoy this installment of Porcelain Heart. The plot is going to speed up after this, I think. Please let me know what you think of this chapter!

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**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gravitation. If I did, there would be a lot of hott man-schmex!!! Well, there is in the megamixes, but I'd put some in the anime, too.

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"Whenever you're drunk," Shuichi whispered in a barely audible voice. "Whenever you finish a book or are really stressed, you go out and get drunk. But then you when come back here, you hit me and force me into bed and you--" At this point, Shuichi's voice died off as he choked back a sob. 

Yuki felt a chill run down his spine as he realized what words were coming next.

"You rape me!" Shuichi finally managed to cry out. "No matter how many times I tell you to stop, how many times I push you away, how many tears I shed…" Shuichi's voice died off again as he tried to control his breathing. "You never stop. You just laugh and go harder! And then morning comes along and you just ignore me all day, like all I'm good for is for the stuff at night. I'm starting to even be scared of having sex with you when you're sober!" The fact that Shuichi didn't refer to it as "making love" as he usually did added another blow to Yuki's conscience.

"But I always wash the blood off of the sheets before you actually look at them, because I didn't want you to know what you did to me. Not that you'd care…" Shuichi added under his breath.

Yuki froze as the full extent of what he had been doing to Shuichi, both physically and mentally, sunk in. Not only did he ignore and put his work above him, he also hurt him and…

Yuki found himself choking on a sob as he realized that he had put Shuichi through the same pain that he had gone through in New York…being raped by the one that he loved. He suddenly realized how thin, tired, and waif-like Shuichi looked. No longer where his cheeks full and healthy, but rather gaunt and hollowed. His ribs were also much more prominent than they used to be. Yuki couldn't believe that he hadn't notice how unhealthy Shuichi had become!

Yuki couldn't hold back a sob as he realized how much he had hurt Shuichi. No wonder he cut! Yuki was surprised that Shuichi was still with him and hadn't left him yet. After what he had put Shuichi through, Yuki felt that he deserved to be sold for 5 bucks ten, no twenty times to 10 men at one time. Yuki wasn't even exaggerating. He deserved that, if not more for subjecting Shuichi to as much pain as he had.

Yuki couldn't bear the thought of hurting Shuichi more than he already had, so he forced himself to come to a decision. He would leave Shuichi. Although Shuichi might be a bit sad at first, it would pass, seeing as how there were many out there who deserved Shuichi much more than he himself did. Hopefully, that person, whoever they were, would know how to treat Shuichi much better than be did.

However, before that, he deeded to get Shuichi all cleaned up. Yuki winced as the noticed the brownish pink tinge that the water held. He suspected that he knew what the color was caused by, but he prayed that he was wrong. If his assumptions were right, then that meant that once again, he had caused for more of Shuichi's innocence to be stolen away from him.

Fuck! He had just _had_ to take his irritation out on Shuichi, didn't he? Even though Shuichi hadn't been doing anything wrong, he had just _had_ to kick him out and make him suffer again, didn't he? Damn it! And he had been told that Shuichi had a slight fever, too.

After all, K had come by earlier that day to drop Shuichi off from work early with specific instructions to look after him. Apparently, Shuichi had fainted in the middle of recording a song.

However, Yuki had just brushed it off as another one of Shuichi's acts that he did in order to go home early and bother Yuki some more, and just went back to his study, telling Shuichi not to get his germs anywhere _near_ his bed.

Yuki had failed to notice Shuichi's flushed skin and foggy eyes, since he had already dismissed Shuichi from his mind without even looking at him. Some lover _he_ was…

Even Shuichi had been more responsible when Yuki had caught a fever. He had stayed up all night, making sure that Yuki took his medicine and that the rag on his forehead always contained cool water so that his body temperature would go down.

But what did Yuki do once his fever ebbed away under Shuichi's tender care? He went right back to ignoring him. He even kicked Shuichi out for singing in the kitchen while he was trying to catch up on his writing. He was behind schedule because of the time that he couldn't work due to his fever. However, when he went to clean up whatever mess Shuichi had made in his kitchen, he saw an elaborate meal in the making on the stove, and a soufflé, now overcooked, baking in the oven. Yuki realized that it was their anniversary that day, but pride prevented him from going to find Shuichi to bring him back.

However, Shuichi didn't come back until a week later, leaving Yuki to worry over him, not that he'd ever let Shuichi know that. Back then, he had thought that it would increase how annoying Shuichi already was. But now, thinking back on Shuichi's sad eyes staring up at him from a happy mask, which had barely remained whole when Yuki only groaned to acknowledge his return, Yuki realized that he might as well have dragged a razor across Shuichi's flesh, himself. He could tell now that all that Shuichi had wanted was a small assurance that it would matter to Yuki if he had disappeared. Instead, Yuki had basically confirmed to Shuichi that not only was he not missed, but that his presence was a bother, as well.

**Flashback**

Yuki sighed before getting up from in front of his laptop to grab another can of beer from the fridge. He didn't bother saving what he had written so far because all of it was crap since his mind was preoccupied with worry over Shuichi. He had never been hone for more than a day, and it had already been a week since Yuki had kicked him out. No matter how many times he told himself that Shuichi was safe and sound at Nakano's place, he still found his mind continuously wondering about Shuichi's well-being.

Yuki shook his head in exasperation of his thoughts and made his way towards the refrigerator in the kitchen. He would never hear the end of it if Shuichi found out how much he had been worrying over him.

As Yuki was pulling a can out of the fridge, he heard some noise at the front door. He leaned in the kitchen doorway so that he would be able to see who was trying to come in. His eyes widened fractionally as he saw the door open to reveal a bright flash of pink.

Yuki quickly schooled his expression before Shuichi saw the his return had had an effect on Yuki. The last thing that Yuki needed was for the genki brat to give him the monster of all glomps. Instead, he opted for the cool and aloof approach.

Shuichi looked up after quietly removing his shoes and placing them neatly by the door.

"Tadaima," Shuichi said softly, hesitancy and timidity clear in his amethyst eyes. Yuki noticed that they seemed as though they were searching for something. Hmph! Like hell Yuki was going to let him find it. The would be the same as creating a monster and setting it loose.

Yuki groaned as his eyes fully focused on Shuichi, feeling slight guilt as he noticed Shuichi's eyes dull considerably. _'Oh well,"_ Yuki thought. _'He'll get over it. He always does.'_

With that in mind, Yuki made his way back to his study. He paused in the doorway and turned back towards Shuichi. He noticed a small spark of hope come to life in Shuichi's eyes.

"Don't make any noise," Yuki finally said. "If you just came back to bother me some more, then just get out right now and spare me the trouble." Yuki noted how Shuichi's eyes immediately lost the spark of hope and instantly turned lifeless and depressed.

Shuichi just nodded his consent to Yuki's commands and quietly sunk down onto the couch, seeming completely depleted of energy. Yuki felt a twinge of guilt again, but continued in to his study, determined that it was for the better good.

Yuki sat down in front of his laptop again, suddenly struck with an idea of where to go with his story. Damn brat. He wouldn't ever allow him to write whether he was there or not. If he was there, then he was so loud and annoying, that Yuki couldn't concentrate on his work. If he wasn't there, then no matter how much he had tried to deny it, Yuki's mind was plagued with worry over Shuichi and how he was doing, leaving little room for much else.

After a bit, Yuki heard the shower start to run. He ignored it and continued writing, deeming it to be unimportant. However, an hour later, as he made his way to the kitchen to grab another can of beer, Yuki could still hear the water running. He could also hear Shuichi yelping faintly once in awhile.

'_Stupid brat,'_ Yuki thought, as the watched the steam roll out form under the bathroom door. _'He can't even use the hot water right. How dumb _is _he?'_

Once, after hearing Shuichi yelp in the shower for a week straight, Yuki had asked Shuichi what he was doing in there. Yuki had been worried that Shuichi was attacked again. He had half wanted the strangle the pink-haired singer when Shuichi had told him that it was just from turning the heat up too fast, but had settled with just thumping him on the head for being a baka. All that worry over nothing.

Yuki shook his head and went back to his study with a new can of beer in his hand. He shut the door behind him and locked it firmly. Words flowed from his fingertips as though that dam that had been blacking his flow of inspiration had broken. Deeply immersed in his writing, Yuki did not notice the delicious smell of dinner drifting in from under the door.

Yuki finally glanced up at the clock when the flow ended, and was surprised to see that it was 3 o'clock in the morning. He came out of his office and noticed that the lights were all still on. Yuki sighed at Shuichi's forgetfulness and walked around the apartment, flipping all of the switches off as he passed them.

Yuki finally reached the living room and saw Shuichi curled up on the couch, shivering in the cold. Yuki smiled softly at how angelic Shuichi looked with his hair fanning out around his head and framing his face and wearing a thin white shirt that flowed across his body as though it had been placed there by a soft breeze. He pulled the blanket out form the closet and tucked it in around Shuichi fondly. Yuki gently brushed his knuckles against Shuichi's cheeks where he could see dried tearstains.

Yuki finally tore himself away from Shuichi when he found himself running his fingers through Shuichi's soft hair. He flipped off the lights in the kitchen and living room and made his way into the bedroom, unaware of the dinner set out on the table, both plates untouched, nor of the soulful, amethyst eyes that followed him, a fresh trail of tears streaming down pale cheeks.

**End Flashback**

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Well, I hope that you all liked this! Let me know if this didn't meet your expectations and how, please! Let me know what's good about it, too! Well, until next time... 

Signed,  
Princessflame91


	6. Track o5: o9 1o, o7

Heyy minna-kun!

Sorry for the wait before this update! Don't be too mad at me... I just haven't been getting as much inspiration. Too much stuff in my schedule now for the juice to get flowing. Please drop me a review and help me get back in the mood to write this, so that I actually feel like continuing this. I'm not saying that you haven't been giving me enough feedback so far, it's just that I need some encouragement. Thank you soo much!

Signed,  
PrincessFlame91

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**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gravitation.

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Yuki winced as he recognized the yelps for what they had really been because of; Shuichi had been cutting himself. Thinking back, Yuki realized the he had been the idiot for falling for Shuichi's lie. Shuichi had been using that shower correctly for six months before he began yelping. Yuki winced, not knowing that he had been the one who put Shuichi through so much pain, that he had resorted to cutting himself to get rid of it. He had hid all of his pain away, only letting it free by slitting a passageway into his skin through which it could flow out. 

Yuki now severely regretted telling Shuichi to shut up when ever he had been telling Yuki how his day had gone. Damn it! Yuki couldn't believe what a bastard he was towards Shuichi. When Shuichi had stopped being all happy and bouncy around him, but merely sat quietly and stared out the window through unseeing eyes, instead of being concerned about Shuichi's sudden shift in behavior, Yuki had just been grateful that the apartment was finally quiet.

It had only lasted for a week, but Yuki now realized that when Shuichi went back to being cheerful, it never reached his eyes anymore. Now, the only times that Shuichi truly seemed happy was when he was not with Yuki. Even now, as Yuki was toweling Shuichi dry, he could see dark shadows swirling in what were once bright amethyst eyes.

Yuki steeled his resolution to leave Shuichi. All that he ever did to Shuichi was hurt him, both mentally and physically, as he had recently learned. He shuddered as he remembered Shuichi telling him how much he had hurt him when he was drunk. He winced as he realized that he raped Shuichi more that he did anything else with him on that bed, and who knows where else.

Well, no more would that happen. Once Shuichi was strong enough to take care of himself, then Yuki was out of there. Hopefully, Shuichi wouldn't be able to find him this time. Maybe he ought to ask Tohma for help, so that his whereabouts were untraceable. Yuki had no idea how Shuichi found him, but if it were through tracing him, then he would have to be careful not to leave a trail behind.

Yuki finished drying Shuichi off and tenderly helped him into one of his shirts since all of Shuichi's were soaked from all of the rain and snow. Shuichi's eyes brightened as he recognized Yuki's unique blend of cigarettes, coffee, and something that he couldn't identify, but that definitely smelled good. He couldn't believe that Yuki was actually letting him use his shirt. He used to get mad when he found Shuichi wearing one of his shirts after coming back from a book tour.

However, despite how many times he was yelled at, Shuichi continued to wear them when Yuki went on tours, for the longing for Yuki's nearness was so strong, that in order to stay calm, Shuichi needed to have Yuki's scent surrounding him. He could never bring himself to sleep on the bed, though. He had never been welcomed there, and had a feeling that he never would.

At that thought, Shuichi's thoughts dampened and darkened considerably._ 'Yuki's probably only lending his shirt so that I won't be cold and stay sick for much longer. He just wants me to be healthy again so that he can kick me out without having to worry about a guilty conscience weighing him down. It's not like he actually cares about me. He made that perfectly clear this afternoon.'_

Yuki blinked, confused, when he noticed Shuichi's eyes, which had just been bright, suddenly turn dull and sad. He couldn't understand what he had done wrong. What was Shuichi thinking about to cause such an abrupt shift in his mood?

Suddenly, Shuichi started to fall forward, face flushed and eyes glassy. Yuki quickly stepped forward and caught him before he hit the ground, cursing himself for forgetting that Shuichi was very weak and needed to lie down and rest.

He scooped Shuichi up into his arms. He grew worried as he noticed that Shuichi was a lot lighter than the last time that Yuki had checked. Hell, he was even lighter than he had been after the Aizawa incident, and he had even grown a few inches after that.

Yuki suddenly realized that while he had been warming Shuichi up and giving him a bath, he could have easily counted all of his ribs. _'Is he losing weight because of me too?' _Yuki wondered. _'Damn it! All I do is hurt him! Well, I guess there's no avoiding it, then. Once he's better, then I'm going to have to leave. He's going through so much pain because of me. It's all that I can do to help him.'_

Yuki found himself deeply depressed when he considered leaving Shuichi. Without him even realizing it, Shuichi had wormed his way deep into Yuki's heart. Yuki could hardly bear the pain of the thought of leaving Shuichi. However, it was for the greater good of Shuichi, so Yuki would gladly shoulder any pain thrown his way. God knew that Shuichi had suffered through so much worse in order to protect him.

Yuki sighed and walked over to the bed to gently tuck Shuichi in. He couldn't believe how unfamiliar Shuichi looked lying there. Yuki winced when he realized that he was much more used to seeing Shuichi sleeping on the couch. He still couldn't figure out why Shuichi stayed with him, even though he was treated so badly. Why did he put up with the way that Yuki treated him?

Yuki tenderly caressed Shuichi's cheek with his knuckles, his golden eyes turning warm and soft as Shuichi leaned into his touch. However, his eyes grew sad as he remembered that he was going to be leaving Shuichi's warmth and love soon.

Yuki forced himself to move away from Shuichi and started packing his belongings. If he waited until Shuichi woke up to begin, then chances were that he would most likely not be leaving. He knew that Shuichi would beg him to stay, and Yuki had never been able to resist Shuichi's pleading amethyst eyes. He was already having trouble mustering up the will to part from Shuichi's side. Shuichi was the only light in his life, and he was the only one who was able to keep his memories and nightmares of Kitazawa at bay.

However, that was something that Yuki had never been able to do in return for Shuichi. He had woken up many times during the night in the early hours of the morning to the sounds of Shuichi's cries and screams from the couch, but he had never gone to comfort him, figuring it to be too much trouble that early in the morning. In the morning, he would find Shuichi curled up on the couch in the morning, looking half dead. He would usually come home late and depressed, since he wouldn't get any work done at the studio since he was too tired and had the memories of Aizawa fresh in his mind.

On the other hand, whenever Yuki woke up from nightmares of Kitazawa, he always woke up with his head on Shuichi's lap, slender fingers running tenderly and lovingly through his lush blonde hair, lulling him back to a sleep filled with peaceful dreams. He would wake up in the mornings feeling the same, if not better than he usually did. Then, he would proceed to kick Shuichi out of his room and yell at him, disregarding anything that he had to say. On these days as well, he would come home late and depressed, mind too preoccupied on how Yuki was mad at him to sing.

Yuki now felt like such an ass, realizing that even though he always put Shuichi through so much crap, his pink haired lover still openly gave him all of his love that Yuki didn't deserve, and then some, as well. Yuki couldn't think of anything good that he had done for Shuichi. Sure, he let Shuichi live in his apartment, but it wasn't like he ever tried to make it feel like a home to him. If anything, he always did his best to convince Shuichi that he didn't belong and was just a nuisance. It was no wonder that Shuichi had been cutting himself. Between Yuki's words and his treatment towards Shuichi, Yuki could easily understand how Shuichi came to rely on a blade.

Finally finished packing, Yuki slid his suitcase under the bed, making sure that none of it was sticking out. He gently brushed Shuichi's bangs away from his forehead and quickly snatched his hand away as he felt how hot Shuichi's forehead was. He was much hotter that he had been when Yuki had been before. Yuki checked Shuichi's temperature and was shocked when the thermometer read 104.8° F. Shit! Shuichi's fever was really serious. He had no choice now, but to take Shuichi to the hospital.

Yuki bundled Shuichi up in a warm blanket and carried him out to his car. He gently placed Shuichi into the passenger seat, making sure the blanket was secure around him before buckling him in. He then walked around the car, slid into the driver's seat, and sped off to the hospital.

* * *

Yuki sat by Shuichi's hospital bed, his eyes, for once, betraying his emotions. Worry was clearly evident in his molten gold eyes, the ice that usually formed an unbreakable layer over them absent. Yuki couldn't believe how small and weak the usually larger-than-life singer looked. Once again, this firmed his wavering resolve to leave Shuichi. After all, Shuichi wouldn't be in this condition if it weren't for Yuki's cruelty towards him. 

Yuki decided that he would wait until Shuichi was better before leaving. He wanted to be sure that Shuichi was able to take care of himself before he left him alone. Until then, all that he could do was sit back and wait.

* * *

Yuki woke up in the middle of the night as he felt his cell vibrate against his thigh. Shuichi stirred slightly before settling down again as Yuki shifted to turn the alarm off. They had returned to Yuki's apartment around a week ago, and had begun to settle back into their old schedules. Yuki had decided that it was finally time to leave Shuichi's side, since Shuichi was able to stand on his own two feet. As well as that, if he ever needed anyone to help him, he always had his family and band members to look after him. 

Yuki slowly slipped out of bed, careful not to rouse Shuichi. He quietly slid his suitcase out from under the bed and stepped out of the bedroom. On the way out, he stopped by the kitchen and wrote a quick note to Shuichi. After gathering the rest of his belongings, Yuki finally made his way towards his front door. Hi gave one last glance over the apartment before turning and walking out.

* * *

Shuichi tossed and turned in his sleep as images of his rapists' faces flashed through his mind. He could feel them forcing themselves into him, heedless of the pained cries that spilled forth from his lips. Suddenly, the images changed, and instead, it was Yuki standing before him. Shuichi reached out to him to saved his from his pain, but Yuki stepped away from his touch, disgust clearly showing on his handsome features. Shuichi froze and could only watch as Yuki walked away from him. 

_[Someone said a broken heart_

_Will sting at first then make you stronger._

_Wonder why this pain remains._

_Were hearts made whole just to break?_

Shuichi's eyes snapped open and his arm automatically reached out to touch Yuki. A heart-wrenching cry escaped his lips instead, as he felt the cold, empty space beside him. As his eyes snapped around the room, he realized that it was void of most of Yuki's possessions.

Shuichi shot out of bed and raced through the apartment, his heart breaking into smaller and smaller pieces with every room that he passed through that did not have Yuki in it. He was just about to enter the study when he noticed a piece of paper on the kitchen counter.

'_Please!'_ Shuichi thought, _"Please be a note saying that he had to go to an urgent meeting, or press conference, or book signing, or something! Please don't be a not saying that Yuki's leaving. I won't be able to bear it anymore if it is!'_

Shuichi slowly and hesitantly made his way towards to note. However, what it said broke the rest of his heart into powder.

_**I'm leaving. Don't look for me. I'm not coming back. It's for the best.**_

_**-Yuki**_

_[You know you pray this can't be the way._

_You cry. You say something's gotta change_

_And mend this porcelain heart of mine._

_Of mine._

Shuichi froze. He could even cry, because the pain that flooded through his senses was so intense. However, when he was finally able to move, one could only wish that he wasn't, for he moved straight for the knife drawer. The moonlight entranced Shuichi as it glinted off the blade, making it look ethereal. A mantra of _'down the road, not across the street'_ was forming in his head, joining in with his usual mantra of _'I love Yuki.'_ However,_ 'too dirty'_ and _'not good enough'_ were quickly emerging from the dark corners of his mind, as well.

Shuichi sank sown into a corner of the kitchen, gaze still fixed on the knife. A morbid fascination passed over his features as he watched blood flow down his arm to form a puddle on the floor after he dragged the knife jaggedly from his wrist to his elbow.

_[Creator, only you take brokenness_

_And create it into beauty once again._

'_I have no life without Yuki,'_ Shuichi thought as his vision began to fade._ 'Yuki is my life.'_

Shuichi's eyes slid to the door as he saw the doorknob turning. A small, sardonic smile graced his lips as he watched Yuki walk right past him without even looking at him.

"Sayonara, Yuki," Shuichi whispered as his world faded to black. "Aishiteru."

* * *

Yuki got into his car and was almost out of the apartment complex when he realized that he had forgotten his laptop in the study. He cursed and pulled back into his parking space. When he reached the elevator, he was exasperated to see that it was on the top floor. Yuki tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for the elevator to descend, ignoring the receptionist's annoyed sigh. 

Yuki snorted as the elevator finally arrived five minutes later. It would have been better for him to climb the stairs. He stepped into the elevator and waited for it to reach the right floor. Once it did, Yuki walked to his door, quietly inserted the key, and opened the door, knowing that Shuichi was usually still asleep around this time. Yuki began walking straight to his study, not even glancing into the kitchen on his way past it. Yuki spun around in fear when he heard a whisper, not because of the voice, but because of what the voice said.

"Sayonara, Yuki. Aishiteru."

Yuki ran to the kitchen, where he had heard the voice come from, and froze at the sight that would forever be burned into his mind. Shuichi was laying collapsed in a pool of his own blood.

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Heyy minna-kun.

I hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and let me know what you think, alright? Arigatou!

Signed,  
PrincessFlame91


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